Getting to know you..all about you!
Aging…If pushed to answer how do I like getting older, it might depend on the day, but I might have to say sometimes..not so much. I mean really, who likes all the little things that go on with your body? At the end of the day you are just happy to get home, jammies on and get into bed so you don’t have to worry about those ‘things’ going on anymore. Or at least they can go on in the privacy of your own home!
I am a little over the whole I can’t eat anything without gas thing. Seriously, I am so cautious of what I eat taking care not to get anything that might cause a stomach disruption worthy of needing to be by oneself..if you know what I mean. And now I am even having to determine the right time to eat certain foods. Like last night.
I went out to dinner with my husband and some friends. I worried about the time we would be eating as any later than 7:00; then I cannot eat. Well I can eat. It will just be one of those things that will stay with me for most of the night. Then most of the early morning. And if I am lucky, things will ‘pass’ so I can at least get a few hours of sleep. When did this all happen? When did my body start to decide things for me and tell me when to get on a certain eating schedule? I don’t recall a meeting. I don’t recall hearing anything ahead of time that might give me a clue about my new body feature of not being able to eat certain foods…and now eat at certain times. It’s exhausting worrying about all of this.
The one thing I am thankful for is that fashion still allows for stretchy waistbands and that I can purchase them all in varied colors. I do remember ‘Charter Club’ pants in Dayton’s years ago that all had elastic waistbands..and it goes without saying, I thought they were horrific. Who would ever wear these? How old will you have to be before you wear those pants? Well the answer is somewhere in your 50’s. Mystery question answered. Sad.
So out and about in my elastic pants and if eating a proper time (before 7:00), and at a place that does have foods without gluten, onions, garlic and certain meats (sometimes I am not sure what kinds of meat I can eat so that can be interesting), or has foods without dairy, then, hey I am in! Or should I say I am out as in out and about!
So getting older can bring challenges..some known; some unknown…until before you know it, your body will tell you!
So here’s to hoping I am not quite to the senior time for dinner every time. Rather, I hope I just get smarter and figure out what works; what doesn’t and perhaps, I just have something to drink while out. In the end I could potentially save lots of money!
So here’s to stretchy pants, pro-biotics and having rooms to be in by myself..sometimes.
In gratitude for getting to know my body…again.
For finding that place both inside and outside of yourself…
Sometimes it just has to be said..I feel like screaming! It’s not that scream that you want everyone to hear; rather, its the one where you need that release so you can clear out some things and make room for others. So I want to scream…plain and simple.
I typically do not write in a way that pleads to people’s sympathy, but I have to say I am maybe looking for one or two “Everything will be ok Kim” comments. It is hard when you have someone you love going through the end of life process and you first don’t know a thing about how to help; and secondly, it brings up all the unfinished business you might have with them..which leads to thoughts about how I want to make sure I have relationships with others that do not have unfinished business. Which of course I do have those kinds of relationships. So it makes me pause. It makes me reflect and it makes me look inside a little more.
So I begin the path leading to answering questions around am I doing all the things I want to; am I the person I thought and want to be; and, am I the person who lives the way I encourage others to?
Really the list could go on and on, but I think for purposes of clarity and understanding, I need to stay focused with one or two or three; well maybe four, things I need to focus on. It is so exhausting! Sometimes there is just so much going on it is hard to make room for it all. I can still be that absorber. I can still be that person who feels before they know. I can still be that person who takes in too much. Even knowing that doesn’t mean I can change that.
I am not great at saying goodbye. I am not comfortable with things I know nothing about. I feel maybe a little inadequate. I typically will do some research and find out things about the topics I know nothing or little about…but to do research on dying is really to go through it…and well, I am not willing to do that just yet; and God willing, I have lots of days left to not understand much about death!
Talking to Dr.’s about an end of life process brings me right back to the last person I lost..my dad. It all comes roaring back to me..all those feelings, thoughts, worries and questions. So I try to re-arrange those thoughts in my head so I have room for the new stuff coming in. I need to make room for information about a new person I love being in the dying process. And I need to make room to have thoughts about other things in my life…and it can be hard. I want to be present for one person who is leaving us and leave room for those who are not leaving me. So that’s when I want to scream. I want to let out some of those feelings that you find oneself in while trying to balance it all. I take comfort in quiet moments that flutter throughout my day and I take comfort in the peace that comes when there are no words.
I am planning a spring vacation for my husband and me. Each time I click a button to arrange a room here; a car rental there, I think only of silence. I think of the wind at the beach and the calm of the path towards the top of the hills. I think of the peace I will have with someone I love so greatly. I lovingly have not thought I will need to scream when I am there…and I make a silent promise not to!
So for now I am saving a place in me to gather new information about the person who is leaving, and when that day comes, I will lovingly pass that information along in the whispers of wind that gently flies by. After they are gone, I will only leave room for the memories of time we had together and for how I was made a better person because of them in my life and for now, still in my life.
And if you are out and about and see a woman looking like she is screaming inside of her head…don’t worry, that’s just me clearing out things so I can have more room for the new stuff coming in! Please do not call for security…I just need that minute!
In gratitude for spring vacations…if only for a week!