August 10 2013
Really…it happens to me all my life!
"That happens to me all my life. I think it started last summer!" I heard a young boy say to this mom as they were walking back from the bike path to their car. I Loved how this sounded. I actually got the giggles while walking behind them. This was such a simple but wonderful statement and the truth is it fit me to a tee.
How many times have I thought this? ’This happens to me all my life…or at least since last week; or even just today!’ I have been known to take on things and then think I have been doing this all my life…
So it got me wondering how many times do we try things on? How many times do we begin a new habit, a new idea, a new, dare I say, attitude? I am finding that the way to live with freedom, to be truly free, is to allow yourself to begin. By beginning, it means to try something new; try something that you didn’t think you would or could. And by doing so it allows you to live free.
I cannot say when this thought has become important to me. But what I do know is that I am in a place right now that to be free has nothing to do with anything that isn’t connected to my heart. I tend to have a spirit that likes to try on new things. I like to see if they fit. It is like how I love to move furniture around to, in my mind, freshen things up. I love how making a room feel fresh is to simply try a new furniture arrangement or to add a new pillow or to take a piece out of the room. I have all my life, loved to dream about things. I dream about new ideas, new places to go, new things to try, new attitude.
To be a dreamer means I need to take risks…and there is the rub. I don’t always take risks…or at least in my mind I do not. It has happened to me all my life.
Except when it doesn’t. I am learning as I go along that I do take risks but I don’t always see them as such. I have often believed that to take a risk there has to be a sense of loss or losing something. What I am learning is to take a risk can mean there is no risk at all…in fact, it might mean there is a gain. So I realize that I always take risks each and every day. I may not do all that I think about, but I make efforts to give it my best shot. I greet people I don’t know, I try new foods I am not sure of, I go places to simply see what is.
So as I further think about this…it occurs to me that it really has happened to me all my life! I do take risks, I do try to seek what brings peace and pleasure to my heart…and I do need to take more. To find out what else brings all those things I need.
So here’s to becoming me each and every day. I will, I am sure, take those parts of me that I need along with me each day…but I am also hoping that I will take on those new things I need to make me become the person I am still meant to be.
In gratitude for all those things that do and will happen to me all my life…
July 25 2013
so much trust
There are times in my life when I wonder if I can trust someone or likewise, if I am trustworthy. I have found over the years that my trust radar is a pretty good indicator of whether I can offer myself without worry to someone…or not. It seems that there are many types of trust that I have developed over the years. I tend to share with only certain people those things that make me feel insecure and second guessing of my intelligence. Even then I feel like I am taking a huge leap of faith.
I have thought about this over time and think it is possible that my lack of trust is a direct result of growing up in an alcoholic family. As a person who has a degree in chemical dependency, one would think I would embrace all the research around factors involved in alcoholic families…but I find it still carries some shame and/or guilt with around saying I am first from that type of a family; and secondly, that I don’t always trust. This still going on at age 51 seems to be on over drive. Seems to be something I should have gotten rid of a long time ago. But for whatever reason, the trust factor plays a role in most of my every day life.
Why even bring it up is a good question…but one that came from something I experienced early in the morning today. I was sitting outside on my deck drinking good coffee when a mama deer came into view. She continued to mosey hereof over to the ‘good’ hosts which in turn placed her within feet of me. Now granted I was on a deck above her, but getting this close has never happened before. Usually the deer see me and/or hear me and take off running…sometimes exaggeratedly so in my opinion. But not this one. She came so close to me I could see into her eyes as she looked up at me. She was beautiful. I was struck at her trust in me. I was struck by her ability to allow me to move closer to the deck rail to get an even better look at her.
After a few minutes of watching each other and getting more comfortable, two beautiful fawns came romping out from behind some trees and brush. They almost skipped over to their mom and immediately they began to nurse. I have never been privy to this other than what I have seen on a television show! It was magical.
What I was struck with is how much she trusted me. She became completely vulnerable by allowing her fawns to nurse and as if she really wanted to underscore how much she trusted me, she closed her eyes as her family took refuge in being by her. I felt devoted to her trust. So much so that I started to look around for potential dangers lurking around. We have had coyotes and foxes running around and I did not want this family to be in any danger..at least not while I was on watch.
Believe it or not, there was this complete connection that occurred between me and this mama deer. She trusted me. I thought a lot about this after she left…and not abruptly as others have either! Trusting in others puts us in great places to build relationships. Trust in others helps to develop a deeper understanding of the role we play with each other and the ability to not assume the worst; rather, to assume that the person you trust and they trust in you, only have your best interest at hand. I helped myself learn a great from this experience.
I start back to work soon. I am reminded of how it is easy to focus on what isn’t working and to not trust that things will go as they should. But what I am realizing is that when I make those statements or have those thoughts, I am not describing a relationship I have…but a system. It occurs to me that I will never have a relationship with a system. And what I can do different this time is remember the relationships I have and will need to have. In order to move forward, I will need to be trustworthy in order to get others’ trust.
So it starts with me. When I share something with others…what is my desired outcome? What is my reason for sharing what I might…and likewise, what do I hold back because I do not trust?
Today I was completely trusted and I would have to say, I did what I could to earn it. No swift moves, no loud noises and all the while looking out for my little deer family so they would not be harmed. I felt grateful; I felt moved. So much trust.
In gratitude for moments you never saw coming…
July 16 2013
Via Don't panic.
Beautiful sunrises lead to beautiful sunsets…
Today I had the pleasure of getting up at 5:30 am and going off to a sunrise yoga class. I say pleasure because I truly enjoyed myself. It helped that my scenery was of a beautiful lake filled with sail boats that clanked and buoyed up and down with the slight wave that was created by the morning air. long with the fact that I was with my bestie since third grade. It was; simply stated: Perfect.
To be honest I am not that limber. By nature I tend to be the one who never could place her hands palm down when doing bend-overs in gym class. Nor was I ever able to completely bend over! So I had to let that go. What I was determined to do was just find the good. Just enjoy myself and what was around me. I willed myself to not laugh at inappropriate times and not create any times that others would laugh at! I also let go the fact that my shirt would almost fly over my head when I did try to bend over and I was more ‘open’ to the breeze than I would have wanted to be…and, perhaps, too open for others as well! So I made myself become mindful of the moments and to stay in them. I willed myself not think of all the things that could have happened or daydream about things that would be funny and then I would have to leave to A). Remove myself for obvious reasons; and B). I already knew the bathrooms were not quite open yet! (If you know what I mean!) So focus Kim…it’s your only option!
It turned out to be the best thing as I found myself immersed in the beauty all around me. I immersed in the ability to see others sharing in something that was just us coming together to find our ‘center’, watch a beautiful sunrise, and pay attention to experiencing our energy coming together..no matter how limber we are or are not!
I was reminded of a small saying from Anne Sexton: ’Just put your ear down next to your soul and listen hard.’ I listened to my soul today. It is a pretty happy soul and while it has some struggles to work through, for the most part I feel it is a soul destined to be filled with good. And that is a good place to be.
I have been enjoying this summer. More so than maybe any other. I was asked by a friend how my summer was going and I replied without thinking, “I think it is the best one I have ever had” I surprised myself with this quick answer. I think this summer has proven to be one of taking some risks; doing more new things, spending time with others who lift me up, and finally feeling set free of all the stress we had (my family) from almost 3 years ago. I think it has taken me this long to get past all the loses we experienced in the year before I turned 50. I still miss my dad, and I think of things we had 3 years ago…but right now I would not change a thing. I would only have my dad back IF he did not have cancer. I would not want him to live like that again. It was too much for all of us. So I move on.
What the sunrise did to give me hope and raise my spirit; the sunset will allow for peace and calm. I will take them both. I will take that for my soul.
In gratitude for doing things I love…other wise I might risk doing nothing at all.
See only the good….
Via Of hearth and home
July 13 2013
A morning affirmation
Don’t worry about the details. Listen to your intuition. Follow the inner-knowingness. Be true to who you are. Today and every day. Put one foot in front of the other. Do what you know to do. Do what you can. The rest will reveal itself in time. Being patient means being gentle… with yourself and others. Don’t try to force anything. Allow life to unfold on its own. Watch. Wait. Listen. Then act with confidence and humility.
The road less traveled…
Via Of hearth and home
Whoa where did all the time go?!
I am baaack..and honestly it feels great! I have been on a small, unexpected hiatus as I started to take the road less traveled for me. I started to write with intention for the book I want to eventually announce is complete. All along I have been haunted by the fact that I did not say anything in this blog about the hiatus. Especially since this had become my place to reflect. I had to reflect in other ways. The reflections came through talking to others and taking time to really put things into perspective as I walked along the road less traveled for me. I learned a lot and I learned I am not alone in much of the thoughts and feelings I have. It has been remarkable to see how many of us are the same. And if we are not the same exactly at this moment, we might become the same at another. This life of ours is pretty cool. Pretty cool indeed.
I am not really sure what got me back tonight as a blogger/writer, but I feel like things are at at place where writing about the daily life is just as important as writing about what might have happened some time ago. I have continued to learn that when you put your heart in the right place that good things happen. I have seen that over and over for myself as well as for and from others.
There has been so many examples of good and reasons to be in gratitude in the last 6 months of not blogging/writing here..I promise not to bore you with all of them..but there are a few that I think need mentioning.
I am looking at a picture taken by my husband this past Valentine’s Day. The picture is of a tin metal square that has the words “You & Me” with a heart painted on it. He took this metal piece and hung it all around our yard in trees and bushes with all the beautiful new snow in the back ground. And because he did not get home from work on time in the morning, he made sure to bring this picture plus 5 others to me at work all tucked into a card; which accompanied a wonderful hot soup and fresh bread. It was all very lovely and love-filled. The simpleness to this was what made it so wonderful. He knew what made me happy and it is not roses or chocolate, or even a fancy meal. I like the comfort brought to me by knowing what means something to me and then having my husband know to bring/get that; vs. something more formal. That is what love for me is all about. And it is love indeed I feel for him. I will always have that picture on my bulletin board just above my desk at home as a reminder of the beautiful simplicity of our love.
Another thing I was filled with gratitude over was watching my sister come into her own as a person who repurposes furniture and then sells it. She has always been a stay at home mom for the most part. She has and is raising, 5 beautiful children. Needless to say her life is full. But it has been full for her kids. Now she has taken steps that have challenged her by first deciding this is what she wants to do and secondly, by speaking to shops about selling her stuff as well as putting together a boutique in her own garage! Each thing has taken courage from her and she did it.
My sister is one of those people that when you meet her you are first noticing how beautiful she is on the outside. And then when you talk to her, you realize how she is just as beautiful on the inside as well. So for her to experience the opportunity to do something that brings her heart joy, you can’t help but root for her! You just want her to succeed. The gratitude comes from being her sister and from the sidelines getting to see someone grow and challenge themselves in a way they haven’t done before. It reminds me to keep the dreams alive and to make the decision to try…and then try again.
So gratitude continues to be in full force for me. There are days when it seems a little harder than others…and those are the days I really need to be grateful the most! LOL! I have seen people be their best selves by helping others. I have seen ideas come about to the betterment of others simply because someone said “We can do this!” I have seen kids becoming adults and in the midst of all their changes still decide they want to do good and want to make a difference. I have seen the moments change in an instant because of a smile give. And I have seen remarkable come out of despair simply because of a hug. Gratitude doesn’t even begin to address how big this stuff really is. But being grateful is important to me. It is what got me through some pretty tough times.
The small stuff matters and it creates the bigger picture of what is important. Be present. Be in the moment. And Be extraordinary today.
In gratitude for all the moments I have experienced since I last wrote here…and here’s to more to come…
January 27 2013
Getting back to what matters…
The perfect day with the perfect small snow storm that gently filled the yard with beauty instead of all the blah brown yuck.
I enjoyed today as it brought some closure, some hope and some reflection.
I went to our old church today to hear the last sermon of the senior pastor. He is retiring and while I do not share his view on certain things, I absolutely have been moved over the years by some of the things he has said and done to help me build my strength and belief in faith…I more growth to do, but not because I am doing it wrong. Rather, because I know that to keep my faith growing is to feel filled up.
His sermon was filled with some stories of days gone by and of his hope for us to keep moving forward and that is never was about him, it was about the people of the church that made the difference. He simply lead and he simply followed what he believed was the right way and thought the right things to do. It helped me come to terms in a small way about the changes our church has gone through and I feel like I am also in a better place to understand without anger. It was a very inspirational sermon and I was filled with contentment. I was filled with hope. Thank you to him and all that he brought. I had more good there than not. And as I have mentioned, in oh maybe 25 plus entires…I cannot find a church that fits any better than this one. It feels like home with a parent that sees things differently …and you don’t have to leave home every time you do not agree. So I am struggling and I am challenging myself to see things differently. Stay tuned Kim. You never know where you might end up! So some closure for seeing our Senior Pastor off and understanding a little more. And I may have figured out where I will be going to church next Sunday…getting back to what I need and have missed for so long.
Some hope was found today with regards to paying off some bills..5 in fact. My husband and I took some of his retirement money and closed out out some long term bills that have never served us well. I am so excited for the future of having a regular savings account. As I write this I realize that I am slightly embarrassed. That is because in my mind everyone always has a savings account and each month puts lots of money into it. And we really haven’t. I also think it has lots to do with our last year of living in the last house knowing we were trying to get better prepared to move on and not stay there anymore. That was a tough year and I think it is just starting to be ok in my mind. We make ends meet nicely each month and we have money to spare, but saving hasn’t been a strength of ours. Seems like we need it to go out as soon as it comes in. Car payments, student loans, credit card bills, groceries and the ever popular ‘incidentals’ that seem to pop up regularly. So now with a large pay off today, I believe we really can see that savings account grow! I have hope. I have excitement and I believe in making some of our dreams come true! I will get back on track with our finances.
The reflection part is all about the plan I have to keep moving forward with writing and getting things in place to focus more on what I can do around my Living Life in Tandem with Gratitude project. I have a half electronic newsletter made; slightly organized messy book chapters with excerpts all over the place and two new writing classes coming up that make me nervous as it will challenge me to be ready with the final project..The Book! “The” sounding like knee. Scary and causing lots of reflection. The kind that goes, ‘What the hay am I doing?’ So instead of getting that organized, I chose to write here…ha! Nicely done Kim. This way I can still feel like I have accomplished something around writing…You cannot kid a kidder! So commitment #4053 to keep focused on the writing and the Gratitude project and getting back to what matters.
So see, all in all a very lovely day (plus a trip to Target!)
In gratitude for getting back to what I need to….