Getting back to what matters…
The perfect day with the perfect small snow storm that gently filled the yard with beauty instead of all the blah brown yuck.
I enjoyed today as it brought some closure, some hope and some reflection.
I went to our old church today to hear the last sermon of the senior pastor. He is retiring and while I do not share his view on certain things, I absolutely have been moved over the years by some of the things he has said and done to help me build my strength and belief in faith…I more growth to do, but not because I am doing it wrong. Rather, because I know that to keep my faith growing is to feel filled up.
His sermon was filled with some stories of days gone by and of his hope for us to keep moving forward and that is never was about him, it was about the people of the church that made the difference. He simply lead and he simply followed what he believed was the right way and thought the right things to do. It helped me come to terms in a small way about the changes our church has gone through and I feel like I am also in a better place to understand without anger. It was a very inspirational sermon and I was filled with contentment. I was filled with hope. Thank you to him and all that he brought. I had more good there than not. And as I have mentioned, in oh maybe 25 plus entires…I cannot find a church that fits any better than this one. It feels like home with a parent that sees things differently …and you don’t have to leave home every time you do not agree. So I am struggling and I am challenging myself to see things differently. Stay tuned Kim. You never know where you might end up! So some closure for seeing our Senior Pastor off and understanding a little more. And I may have figured out where I will be going to church next Sunday…getting back to what I need and have missed for so long.
Some hope was found today with regards to paying off some bills..5 in fact. My husband and I took some of his retirement money and closed out out some long term bills that have never served us well. I am so excited for the future of having a regular savings account. As I write this I realize that I am slightly embarrassed. That is because in my mind everyone always has a savings account and each month puts lots of money into it. And we really haven’t. I also think it has lots to do with our last year of living in the last house knowing we were trying to get better prepared to move on and not stay there anymore. That was a tough year and I think it is just starting to be ok in my mind. We make ends meet nicely each month and we have money to spare, but saving hasn’t been a strength of ours. Seems like we need it to go out as soon as it comes in. Car payments, student loans, credit card bills, groceries and the ever popular ‘incidentals’ that seem to pop up regularly. So now with a large pay off today, I believe we really can see that savings account grow! I have hope. I have excitement and I believe in making some of our dreams come true! I will get back on track with our finances.
The reflection part is all about the plan I have to keep moving forward with writing and getting things in place to focus more on what I can do around my Living Life in Tandem with Gratitude project. I have a half electronic newsletter made; slightly organized messy book chapters with excerpts all over the place and two new writing classes coming up that make me nervous as it will challenge me to be ready with the final project..The Book! “The” sounding like knee. Scary and causing lots of reflection. The kind that goes, ‘What the hay am I doing?’ So instead of getting that organized, I chose to write here…ha! Nicely done Kim. This way I can still feel like I have accomplished something around writing…You cannot kid a kidder! So commitment #4053 to keep focused on the writing and the Gratitude project and getting back to what matters.
So see, all in all a very lovely day (plus a trip to Target!)
In gratitude for getting back to what I need to….
8pm
happy birthday to you…
It is my youngest son’s birthday today and he is 18…18 years old! I absolutely cannot believe this and to top it off I am feeling a little verklempt over this age change as it means I no longer have any kids; I have only adult children! I am into the realm of parenting people who now just need an opinion only when asked, and sometimes a barometer on how life is going. And boy do I feel the change! I love parenting. I love being a parent. I love that I have my heart walking around experiencing life in all new and fascinating ways…and sometimes it still comes home.
Ryan is young man who has found his own way so many times and tends to travel the road less traveled. He is kind and believes in the good until proven wrong. He is strong and stubborn but with the perfect mix of each. His sense of humor is wise beyond his years and he brings me great joy. I can remember knowing that I really wanted to have this third child..the one that would make it feel complete as a family. The one that would provide that extra time to have a little one around and now to still have a child/adult around before off to college and to more of his own life. Ryan provided a very important role in our family for me. He is the one that I could still have around when the other two were on their own in college or other places that took them far from home. I always had Ryan to hang out with and hear how the life of a school ager was going…and I will still have that for a few more months yet; and I could not be any happier to know I still have some of that time together.
I feel very blessed to have a son that while I know he is still here at home; still in school, is also in a good place to start to experience life at a different pace; a different place. I also know he will always know just where home is and I trust he will find his way.
Happy Birthday to you Ryan. Thank you for all the joy and fun I have gotten from you. You are my popcorn aficionado and my dinner time partner when others were gone. I have seen you helping others without having to be asked, and I have felt your love as you have helped me with whatever may have come up over the years. I believe you to be a gentle soul that will continue to do well by serving others. I could not feel any luckier. Your quiet leadership will serve you well as you move forward into the career path you choose. And I know that your faith will continue to carry you along in good and in rough times. I have seen you go through both and I know you will come out ahead each time.
So here is to another year, another time and another big deal…18 years old!
I love you to the moon and back„,and then back again.
In gratitude for a wonderful son to celebrate…
8pm
A little random…
Happy to report that sleep is happening more this week…this after a little bit of drama over the not sleeping and thinking the negative things. So the good news is things change and evolve and sleep is included in the mix!
A weather update for those who care, it is going to be the coldest it has been in over four years this weekend! This of course, changes me from complaining about the unbearable heat we seem to have every summer now. I have to decide which I like better. It might be the heat. (I won’t admit to this in the summer; however) I don’t like chatter teeth and how my body goes into that frenzy of trying to get warm when you first get into the cold car. Lots of convulsing. So I guess when is all is said and done, I can at least enjoy the beautiful sights outside in the heat; whereas in the winter I prefer to watch from the window.
Another update and in no order of thoughts tonight…I am appalled at how much I found out Lance Armstrong made as a bicyclist! Ok, he rides a BIKE! Yes I am sure he knows just how to make a great turn on a bend in the road or he is clever to figure out when to pull out ahead…whatever! I cannot believe the amount of money that is thrown to someone who rides a bike. No disrespect to him or any other profession that I think is ridiculous in terms of their pay. It’s not them. Its the fact that we allow people who for no other reason besides they know how to run up and down a court for two hours and throw a ball back and forth and try to get it into a net hoop, get paid big bucks. We allow it. This is so kiddy-wampus to me when I think through it logically. We have teachers all over the United States trying to educate our youth, police officers who take on God knows what and who, ministers, nurses and mental health providers, all who try to make this world a little better, only to make a pittance of what someone who rides a bike really well on hills I don’t really think need to be ridden on by a bike. This seems silly to me all of a sudden. Maybe it’s because I watched Oprah talk with him last night and I really can’t believe how much money and stuff he got! Oh well..
I digress. I realize I can’t change that. But what I can do is continue to see the cool parts in a day and focus on what is right and what is good. Much better place to be.
So as a reminder to me when I re-read this entry, I want to acknowledge my cousin’s wife and her newly diagnosed breast cancer and to all who were before her and to all who will be after her…I ask for God to watch over her and others and to send healing love and light her (their ) way. I pray she will be healed. I pray they will get through and not feel as afraid as I imagine they are.
Sometimes you don’t see it coming…and sometimes you can’t help but to see it coming. Either way, sometimes it feels like too much.
In gratitude for appreciating what is important and knowing it doesn’t have to be the same for anyone else…
9pm
What if everything went great?
Ha! More nights of insomnia and honestly it has everything to do with thinking of things not working out; or all the crazy ‘what if’ thoughts that bog me down…Geez!
I am a really great interpreter of all things going south! Why? Because I can actually take a thought about something and in no time at all, I can manage to make a catastrophe out of it…just ask me!
It really is an issue and I have made some determined decisions. I need to get my act together and stop with the negative and only ask: What if this turns out great? What if this is the best thing that could have every happened to me? What if this turns out to change me and others in such a way that if it didn’t happen, it wouldn’t be good? It is so much nicer to think this way. And yet I seem to stay stuck on looking through a schmeared lens that causes me to see things as only schmeary.
This isn’t to say I don’t see the good sometimes. Because I do. This negative thinking thing I speak of typically occurs at night and when I am alone, or alone in my thoughts. Usually it coincides very nicely with me trying to get to sleep and having to get up in approximately 4 hours to enter into a full day of lots of stuff…not to mention not many care at work I haven’t slept. Cause guess what? They didn’t sleep either! Yikes. Lots of us walking around with a ghost from the night before hanging around us like a worn out shawl. So here’s the tricky part…it isn’t really a great conversation to have with others because I haven’t met many who will really share why they didn’t get to sleep. It would be hard to admit to our deepest and sometimes, darkest thoughts. It might, in fact, come off as weird and maybe like we have a pathology of some sort. But I do wish we could talk about these things. Those things that keep lots of us up at night or worried in our thoughts of what ifs that we don’t say outloud to many people for fear of….you fill in the blank.
I don’t always share much with regards to my late night thought train. It usually starts out as a single thought that creates a physical reaction in me. One that usually flows into a mild panic attack and mostly because I start to add very scary what ifs. It usually involves a large bad outcome like a health related problem, loss of income, loss of house, loss of feeling safe…you get the picture. I have this down to a science. Usually these thoughts take off and land somewhere in OMG what if this happens, to this is probably going to happen. I drive the car the entire way. So no one to blame but myself. Which when I am thinking of these things it never occurs to me that I started it, therefore I can stop it. No, I let it linger as if I have no control and the time keeps rolling on and I allow it to be so.
It’s exhausting when this happens. But I have to believe I am not alone. I have to believe when I ask my friends at work about why they couldn’t sleep they had a similar experience as me. Of course, mine were worse. Of course I think worse thoughts.
So in the spirit of paying attention, I have made some new discoveries. I have learned that if I start these catastrophic thoughts right before bed, I am doomed. I actually tell myself I am. It starts off a chain reaction to me not being able to sleep. It is very powerful. I have also learned that I become an active participant in keeping these said thoughts going. After all they need me to think them! I am not the victim like I thought. No I actually create the mess. Interesting huh? How can something so overwhelming and negative be created by the same person who is complaining about it? I guess it is pretty easy as it turns out. I have also learned that I can get like this if I have no other distractions for awhile. I need other things to think about otherwise I pull out, which I now think I am comfortable with (weird huh?) pattern of negative thoughts. I wonder what purpose they serve? What do I get out of this way of thinking? It becomes more interesting to me when I start to pay attention. I learn so much more about what I AM CREATING.
I have also decided that my bedroom is very conducive for not so good thinking at night. It has lots of lights on. Not bright, white lights, but small slightly blue ones. I can almost see them with my eyes shut. It comes from my TV, my cell phone charger, all of the plug ins in my husband’s bathrooms that reflect off of the mirror that reflects into my eyes, the 2 clock radios in our room that cast a bright determined light on both the ceiling and walls and lastly, the light from the backyard that my neighbor puts on each night that not only shines in his backyard, but also in mine and sneaks into my bedroom at night through the curtains…the light, not my neighbor. So I am in a weird room of light and energy that comes from each and every one of these apparatuses. I know…but I really can feel the electricity from these things and feels like energy coursing through the room. We could put Best Buy to shame with all of our electronics.
So I have thought more about all this. First things first. Get rid of some of the aforementioned apparatuses, and seek out other sounds to listen to other than my mind. Welcome sound machine! Welcome a larger dose of melatonin (still off Lunesta..yeah for me!) and say goodbye to night time TV watching in the bedroom. Well, I will work on this one.
Honestly, this whole negative thinking thing is really quite limiting. It limits the possibility of really cool things happening or being created. It limits the ability to sleep in such bliss and relaxation. And I want that. I want the bliss I thought I would have when I bought the Sleep Number bed and the new pillow from the Home Shopping Network. I want the natural rhythm of sleeping via an all natural way through melatonin. I want to sleep. And I don’t want to wreck it for my own self with too many thoughts; especially negative ones! So there. and I think I even feel better!
And as usual, once I made the decision to see things differently and made up my mind to make changes, things started to pop up that helped me to see I am not alone, even if no one ever shares with me their tale of woes with regards to not sleeping…such as, I found a note that I had crumpled up and put away. It read: Do not be anxious…Seek the Kingdom of God…I am telling you do not worry about tomorrow. ~Matthew 6:25, 33-34. I found a word on another blog site: Blessed. Simple, yet not alone. I then saw an old newspaper article I had written with the heading : Setting Limits; Setting the Stage. It was all about controlling what you can, and taking ownership. And I wrote that! I’m telling you, when you change, things change all around you..its magic!
Again, when you pay attention, really cool things do happen…and even better, I can make it happen every time! So here’s to a good night sleep, good thoughts, good lighting (which means no lighting), and to seeing the world as only a ‘What if everything turns out great?” kind of place.
In gratitude for all good…because Life is Good!
9pm
unlock your passions…
With the new year comes new ideas, new dreams and new experiences.
Take time to unlock what you hope to experience this new year so that by the end of this year it is comfortably all old!
Will be back after this busy week is done!
In gratitude for locks to be picked…
10pm
